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As Time Goes By or
How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love Koan Practice
by Laurel M. Ross
A year has passed since I attended an Intro Workshop in May 2000. For a period of about two years before that I irregularly attended the Chicago Zen Temple where I had taken a five week Introduction to Zen Meditation class in 1997. My world has shifted somewhat in the past year, but when I tried to put words around those changes I found it difficult to remember states of mind as they evolved over time. I write daily in a journal which I almost never read. It proved helpful to delve into those pages for this article however. It is fascinating to look at one’s own mind at work. (Journal entries are in italics.)
Self-assessment:
May 12, 1998
I am focusing better. The chaff is falling away. The noise is abating. I want to concentrate and focus…Zen does take time and focus and commitment. My current commitment is to sit every morning…I could do more reading…I would like to take another class or sign up for a retreat experience. I expect this would help move me toward what would feel like more of a commitment. I do like going slowly though—no reason to feel rushed or pushed. Funny now to read this and to see my mind reassuring me that I am making great progress and also that I have all the time in the world.
June 4, 1998
This morning as I lay in bed trying to get myself up I thought to myself “This is my life.” It was a moment of clarity. I was looking at my self, my home, my habits, my lifestyle—it all looked okay. I think some part of me wanted more than okay, but I seem to be letting myself off the hook. A year later I first encountered Sensei.
May 31, 1999
…the afternoon lecture series speaker today [at the Chicago Zen Temple (CZT) event] was Sevan Ross who is the teacher at the Zen Center in Evanston. I liked what he had to say—at least I seemed to understand it and agree with it. He made it very clear that the most important thing is to find a teacher. I, of course, do not have a teacher at this point. Somehow all of this made me very happy and I felt as if I should go to his temple and see how it feels…He said that community is not the result of communication but is the result of communion. He was referring to sesshins I think…What is my Buddha nature I ask myself? What is my best? My essence. I cannot answer easily... I believe I was sincere, but it was pretty darned easy to distract me from action. For the next several months I wrote endlessly (with no awareness of it actually) the same thing over and over again. An example:
June 2, 1999
I want to study psychology more. But then how will my Zen study be helpful—it is supposed to cut through all of the psychology and be a deeper solution. I will have to pursue this but I need a teacher…I want to attend a service in Evanston soon to experience that place…I need to get a schedule. Tuesday nights are not good for me… I was struggling with whether or not I would take the precepts which were offered at the CZT that summer. I was afraid I couldn’t really follow through on them and I didn’t want to fail.
June 7, 1999
…it doesn’t seem right to take the precepts formally until I know more about what I am doing here. I don’t know why really…I found the Reader ad with the phone number. I don’t know when I will call or visit. I think the intro night is Tuesday which means I would have to miss Spanish class. For the next several months I found references to Tuesday nights, the Reader, and my Spanish class over and over again. It is almost humorous, but also terrifying to see how I was resisting my impulse and finding so many (lame) excuses. I was only sitting off and on that year. My kitchen was being redone and the chaos helped me find excuses.
May 3, 2000
I finally went to the Zen Center in Evanston. It was a strong experience. The introduction was very informal and seemed designed to be light hearted and non-threatening. After the sitting part Sevan Ross gave a short talk—he seemed to want to impress on everyone the seriousness of this endeavor. He said it was karma that brought each of us there that night and that seemed to be a very serious thought. He said it doesn’t work without a community and a teacher. I can look at my calendar and choose a next visit. I need to choose a time…I want to see what the possibilities are and then decide little by little… I read this and I ask myself: “little by little?!?” What were you waiting for? Your hundredth birthday? It took an entire year to get from the first talk to the intro night!
May 5, 2000
The path that beckons is the Zen path. I was struck by Sevan Ross’ attitude that when we take that path we are making a big commitment of time and energy. It is only work and work takes time and energy…I feel ready to tackle that work. A lot of talk, but meanwhile I haven’t made it back after the intro night yet.
May 8, 2000
I am getting more and more interested in the possibility of making a big commitment to meditation. I am looking in my book for the next opportunity to spend a Sunday morning at the Evanston Zen Center [sic] …There is still the fear element to overcome but I do want to push myself
to do that if I can.
May 14, 2000
…today was to have been my first time at the Zen Center. I tried to call last night but did not get through. I guess I am still a little conflicted about going there or maybe it’s just fear that I have to overcome. Did not get through?
May 16, 2000
I went to the Monday night sitting at the Zen Center in Evanston. It was very stimulating… I was very nervous [in dokusan] and self-conscious but liked it enough that I feel as if I would like to give it a try. I would have to go a couple of times a week I think to really make a serious try at it—and sign up for a sesshin—maybe a two day one for starters. Four days seems too hard but I can see how it feels. He did say the sangha is a group I would feel comfortable with… Being a member is not the same as being a student. Being a student is a serious commitment that comes later. So that was my experience. I think I will try to go back Thursday and then maybe Friday for the service. I think it’s the taking of the precepts this weekend. Somehow after one dokusan I went from not being sure whether I would show up to figuring out what it was to be a student, discussing whether or not a four day sesshin was doable, and planning to take the precepts! Mysterious.
May 19, 2000
Yesterday was a good day. The most interesting part of which was the evening at the Zen Center. I am still scared about the practice but the more I crack the surface image the easier it will be
to do the practice.
May 20, 2000
Temple Night and Vesak…I stayed in one place for most of the evening in the main zendo trying to keep my back straight and concentrate on my breath but there was a lot of stimulation so it was hard to concentrate…Anyway somehow I did end up taking the precepts because everyone else did—it wasn’t scary. It was impressive. It felt less like a renunciation than a positive embracing of good things than I had expected. We also did a thing that I liked where we more or less apologized for doing bad things—that was powerful and I liked it. It was good to say the words out loud.
May 21, 2000
I bought a new mat and cushion last night. It seemed like a good way to celebrate a new level of commitment. Yes, well, shopping is the American way to celebrate everything I guess.
June 5, 2000
I went to the Sunday Zen service. [Sensei] said that Zen Buddhists are strong in the meditation parts of the eightfold path but not as strong on the morality parts, which is interesting because I feel as if I have been thinking about and am drawn to the morality part. I like to think about generosity and patience more than meditation. So it is good to have joined a place where meditation—sitting—is seen as the most important thing. Another way of saying this is that I had liked the lofty ideals of Zen but had avoided the hard practice.
June 6, 2000
I guess I will buy a robe. Another inch forward. Reading all of this now it is almost painful to see how each little and big step toward commitment to a practice had to be wrung out of and bargained for with myself. What is all that resistance about? I tell myself that in the year since writing these journal entries I have tried as sincerely as I can to push myself. To become a student, to make a contribution to the Sangha, and to attend as many sesshins as I can fit into my busy life. But wait—why am I always so busy anyway? Is that busy life really just another set of convenient excuses for not doing what I claim I sincerely want to do? I tell myself I am not avoiding sitting by watching television—I am doing something worthwhile. Maybe. But I am starting to think: maybe not.
The idea of tackling a koan has always seemed like the ultimate terror. Like most people in our culture, I like to succeed and I am extremely uncomfortable with the idea of not knowing the right answer RIGHT AWAY. I didn’t want to do it. I really, really didn’t want to do it.
OK, I will try. I guess this is the way it will be. Fear, resistance, work, progress. And then all over again.
A year has passed since I attended an Intro Workshop in May 2000. For a period of about two years before that I irregularly attended the Chicago Zen Temple where I had taken a five week Introduction to Zen Meditation class in 1997. My world has shifted somewhat in the past year, but when I tried to put words around those changes I found it difficult to remember states of mind as they evolved over time. I write daily in a journal which I almost never read. It proved helpful to delve into those pages for this article however. It is fascinating to look at one’s own mind at work. (Journal entries are in italics.)
Self-assessment:
May 12, 1998
I am focusing better. The chaff is falling away. The noise is abating. I want to concentrate and focus…Zen does take time and focus and commitment. My current commitment is to sit every morning…I could do more reading…I would like to take another class or sign up for a retreat experience. I expect this would help move me toward what would feel like more of a commitment. I do like going slowly though—no reason to feel rushed or pushed. Funny now to read this and to see my mind reassuring me that I am making great progress and also that I have all the time in the world.
June 4, 1998
This morning as I lay in bed trying to get myself up I thought to myself “This is my life.” It was a moment of clarity. I was looking at my self, my home, my habits, my lifestyle—it all looked okay. I think some part of me wanted more than okay, but I seem to be letting myself off the hook. A year later I first encountered Sensei.
May 31, 1999
…the afternoon lecture series speaker today [at the Chicago Zen Temple (CZT) event] was Sevan Ross who is the teacher at the Zen Center in Evanston. I liked what he had to say—at least I seemed to understand it and agree with it. He made it very clear that the most important thing is to find a teacher. I, of course, do not have a teacher at this point. Somehow all of this made me very happy and I felt as if I should go to his temple and see how it feels…He said that community is not the result of communication but is the result of communion. He was referring to sesshins I think…What is my Buddha nature I ask myself? What is my best? My essence. I cannot answer easily... I believe I was sincere, but it was pretty darned easy to distract me from action. For the next several months I wrote endlessly (with no awareness of it actually) the same thing over and over again. An example:
June 2, 1999
I want to study psychology more. But then how will my Zen study be helpful—it is supposed to cut through all of the psychology and be a deeper solution. I will have to pursue this but I need a teacher…I want to attend a service in Evanston soon to experience that place…I need to get a schedule. Tuesday nights are not good for me… I was struggling with whether or not I would take the precepts which were offered at the CZT that summer. I was afraid I couldn’t really follow through on them and I didn’t want to fail.
June 7, 1999
…it doesn’t seem right to take the precepts formally until I know more about what I am doing here. I don’t know why really…I found the Reader ad with the phone number. I don’t know when I will call or visit. I think the intro night is Tuesday which means I would have to miss Spanish class. For the next several months I found references to Tuesday nights, the Reader, and my Spanish class over and over again. It is almost humorous, but also terrifying to see how I was resisting my impulse and finding so many (lame) excuses. I was only sitting off and on that year. My kitchen was being redone and the chaos helped me find excuses.
May 3, 2000
I finally went to the Zen Center in Evanston. It was a strong experience. The introduction was very informal and seemed designed to be light hearted and non-threatening. After the sitting part Sevan Ross gave a short talk—he seemed to want to impress on everyone the seriousness of this endeavor. He said it was karma that brought each of us there that night and that seemed to be a very serious thought. He said it doesn’t work without a community and a teacher. I can look at my calendar and choose a next visit. I need to choose a time…I want to see what the possibilities are and then decide little by little… I read this and I ask myself: “little by little?!?” What were you waiting for? Your hundredth birthday? It took an entire year to get from the first talk to the intro night!
May 5, 2000
The path that beckons is the Zen path. I was struck by Sevan Ross’ attitude that when we take that path we are making a big commitment of time and energy. It is only work and work takes time and energy…I feel ready to tackle that work. A lot of talk, but meanwhile I haven’t made it back after the intro night yet.
May 8, 2000
I am getting more and more interested in the possibility of making a big commitment to meditation. I am looking in my book for the next opportunity to spend a Sunday morning at the Evanston Zen Center [sic] …There is still the fear element to overcome but I do want to push myself
to do that if I can.
May 14, 2000
…today was to have been my first time at the Zen Center. I tried to call last night but did not get through. I guess I am still a little conflicted about going there or maybe it’s just fear that I have to overcome. Did not get through?
May 16, 2000
I went to the Monday night sitting at the Zen Center in Evanston. It was very stimulating… I was very nervous [in dokusan] and self-conscious but liked it enough that I feel as if I would like to give it a try. I would have to go a couple of times a week I think to really make a serious try at it—and sign up for a sesshin—maybe a two day one for starters. Four days seems too hard but I can see how it feels. He did say the sangha is a group I would feel comfortable with… Being a member is not the same as being a student. Being a student is a serious commitment that comes later. So that was my experience. I think I will try to go back Thursday and then maybe Friday for the service. I think it’s the taking of the precepts this weekend. Somehow after one dokusan I went from not being sure whether I would show up to figuring out what it was to be a student, discussing whether or not a four day sesshin was doable, and planning to take the precepts! Mysterious.
May 19, 2000
Yesterday was a good day. The most interesting part of which was the evening at the Zen Center. I am still scared about the practice but the more I crack the surface image the easier it will be
to do the practice.
May 20, 2000
Temple Night and Vesak…I stayed in one place for most of the evening in the main zendo trying to keep my back straight and concentrate on my breath but there was a lot of stimulation so it was hard to concentrate…Anyway somehow I did end up taking the precepts because everyone else did—it wasn’t scary. It was impressive. It felt less like a renunciation than a positive embracing of good things than I had expected. We also did a thing that I liked where we more or less apologized for doing bad things—that was powerful and I liked it. It was good to say the words out loud.
May 21, 2000
I bought a new mat and cushion last night. It seemed like a good way to celebrate a new level of commitment. Yes, well, shopping is the American way to celebrate everything I guess.
June 5, 2000
I went to the Sunday Zen service. [Sensei] said that Zen Buddhists are strong in the meditation parts of the eightfold path but not as strong on the morality parts, which is interesting because I feel as if I have been thinking about and am drawn to the morality part. I like to think about generosity and patience more than meditation. So it is good to have joined a place where meditation—sitting—is seen as the most important thing. Another way of saying this is that I had liked the lofty ideals of Zen but had avoided the hard practice.
June 6, 2000
I guess I will buy a robe. Another inch forward. Reading all of this now it is almost painful to see how each little and big step toward commitment to a practice had to be wrung out of and bargained for with myself. What is all that resistance about? I tell myself that in the year since writing these journal entries I have tried as sincerely as I can to push myself. To become a student, to make a contribution to the Sangha, and to attend as many sesshins as I can fit into my busy life. But wait—why am I always so busy anyway? Is that busy life really just another set of convenient excuses for not doing what I claim I sincerely want to do? I tell myself I am not avoiding sitting by watching television—I am doing something worthwhile. Maybe. But I am starting to think: maybe not.
The idea of tackling a koan has always seemed like the ultimate terror. Like most people in our culture, I like to succeed and I am extremely uncomfortable with the idea of not knowing the right answer RIGHT AWAY. I didn’t want to do it. I really, really didn’t want to do it.
OK, I will try. I guess this is the way it will be. Fear, resistance, work, progress. And then all over again.
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