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Copyright 2002 Zoe Kaufman
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Welcoming Mara: Reflections on the Value of ‘Ego Storms’
by Cynthia Stone
The essence of the Zen experience for me is the suffering of the emotional pain which I call ‘ego storms’ and emerging lighter, with less emotional baggage, at least for the time being. Just living provides endless possibilities for experiencing anger in all its variations, and the storms associated with jealousy, grief, feelings of failure, hopelessness and despair. Being caught up in one or the other of these emotions propels one into a hell state in which one is trapped and consumed by the emotion. However, sesshins provide a unique opportunity to both have strong emotions provoked by the work and the structure to have to sit with the emotion for hours or days until it dissolves.
Anger happens to be the fuel for the ego storms that I am most susceptible to. Initially I thought my anger at something the teacher or monitor or other Zen student did was justified. I had ready reasons for why my anger was a natural response to some kind of slight or offense. But even then, there was nothing I could do about it except maybe complain to the teacher when I next had a chance which might not come for hours and hours. Meanwhile, I could nurse the grudge or listen to the frequent injunction to let it go, to not replay the script and focus on the work.
It was rather like having to postpone the desire to move the leg that has fallen asleep or scratch an itch or endure hunger pangs until the appropriate bell is struck. This discipline which seems to have to do only with physical needs now seems quite relevant to the practice of dispelling disturbing emotional states. It not only creates the capacity to wait and endure the unpleasant physical state but it also happens to create the capacity to endure painful emotional states and in the process begin to see them for what they are.
It helps to experience the same or similar emotion over and over again. One begins to recognize it and remember how it all dissolved in a previous sesshin when external circumstances changed or when one did indeed let go of the situation and concentrated just on the work. These shifts have been powerful experiences for me and it has gradually dawned on me that realizing the ego storm will pass is a part of the work.
The process of living through an ego storm to its passing requires the letting go of images of self as competent, achieving, unflappable and strong. Instead one appreciates these images are transient illusions entirely contingent on circumstances.
While everyone has their own triggers, I cannot imagine anyone calmly experiencing the flunking of a koan repeatedly and being rung out of the dokusan room in less than two minutes over and over again while it seems that everyone else is having very long dokusans. Have this happen four or more times in a row and one’s passions of anger, greed and jealously arise along with serious consideration quitting all this nonsense as a total waste of time. And one can develop illusions about the teacher. What IS he doing in there with so and so? Why is he treating ME so harshly? Maybe he doesn’t like me or thinks I am a hopeless student.
The teacher often addresses these states, indicating he knows all about ‘ego storms’ and how distracting they can be from practice. However, I think ‘ego storms’ are a necessary and useful part of practice. They expose the primitive ego, clinging for life to the wish for success, for the achievement of a goal and the avoidance of the shame and humiliation of defeat which sometimes feels very public. Since one has to let go of images of competence and achievement, there is not much left but sheer perseverance in the face of confusion, helplessness and despair. The ego which is storming has to be abandoned. There is nothing left but sheer perseverance which has its own strength based in blind faith that eventually there will be a break through. And when this happens it does not feel like an ego achievement but more like an opening to the obvious.
A Tibetan Buddhist abbess recently gave a talk on this subject of strong emotions and shared the teaching of recognizing the emotion and stopping the story line that accompanies the emotion. If one can do that and just feel the emotion, great energy is released in a clear and open inner space. Finally she said that the ability to do this rests on the attitude of kindness toward oneself. This practice, she said, is called “Welcoming Mara”, reminding us that Mara represents the negative energies and thoughts that tempted Buddha. Like Buddha, we are besieged by Mara and wish to banish her. Mara seems like a distraction from the ‘real’ work, but the concept of ‘welcoming Mara’ echoes my realization that ‘ego storms’ can be both the most painful and the most valuable part of practice.
The essence of the Zen experience for me is the suffering of the emotional pain which I call ‘ego storms’ and emerging lighter, with less emotional baggage, at least for the time being. Just living provides endless possibilities for experiencing anger in all its variations, and the storms associated with jealousy, grief, feelings of failure, hopelessness and despair. Being caught up in one or the other of these emotions propels one into a hell state in which one is trapped and consumed by the emotion. However, sesshins provide a unique opportunity to both have strong emotions provoked by the work and the structure to have to sit with the emotion for hours or days until it dissolves.
Anger happens to be the fuel for the ego storms that I am most susceptible to. Initially I thought my anger at something the teacher or monitor or other Zen student did was justified. I had ready reasons for why my anger was a natural response to some kind of slight or offense. But even then, there was nothing I could do about it except maybe complain to the teacher when I next had a chance which might not come for hours and hours. Meanwhile, I could nurse the grudge or listen to the frequent injunction to let it go, to not replay the script and focus on the work.
It was rather like having to postpone the desire to move the leg that has fallen asleep or scratch an itch or endure hunger pangs until the appropriate bell is struck. This discipline which seems to have to do only with physical needs now seems quite relevant to the practice of dispelling disturbing emotional states. It not only creates the capacity to wait and endure the unpleasant physical state but it also happens to create the capacity to endure painful emotional states and in the process begin to see them for what they are.
It helps to experience the same or similar emotion over and over again. One begins to recognize it and remember how it all dissolved in a previous sesshin when external circumstances changed or when one did indeed let go of the situation and concentrated just on the work. These shifts have been powerful experiences for me and it has gradually dawned on me that realizing the ego storm will pass is a part of the work.
The process of living through an ego storm to its passing requires the letting go of images of self as competent, achieving, unflappable and strong. Instead one appreciates these images are transient illusions entirely contingent on circumstances.
While everyone has their own triggers, I cannot imagine anyone calmly experiencing the flunking of a koan repeatedly and being rung out of the dokusan room in less than two minutes over and over again while it seems that everyone else is having very long dokusans. Have this happen four or more times in a row and one’s passions of anger, greed and jealously arise along with serious consideration quitting all this nonsense as a total waste of time. And one can develop illusions about the teacher. What IS he doing in there with so and so? Why is he treating ME so harshly? Maybe he doesn’t like me or thinks I am a hopeless student.
The teacher often addresses these states, indicating he knows all about ‘ego storms’ and how distracting they can be from practice. However, I think ‘ego storms’ are a necessary and useful part of practice. They expose the primitive ego, clinging for life to the wish for success, for the achievement of a goal and the avoidance of the shame and humiliation of defeat which sometimes feels very public. Since one has to let go of images of competence and achievement, there is not much left but sheer perseverance in the face of confusion, helplessness and despair. The ego which is storming has to be abandoned. There is nothing left but sheer perseverance which has its own strength based in blind faith that eventually there will be a break through. And when this happens it does not feel like an ego achievement but more like an opening to the obvious.
A Tibetan Buddhist abbess recently gave a talk on this subject of strong emotions and shared the teaching of recognizing the emotion and stopping the story line that accompanies the emotion. If one can do that and just feel the emotion, great energy is released in a clear and open inner space. Finally she said that the ability to do this rests on the attitude of kindness toward oneself. This practice, she said, is called “Welcoming Mara”, reminding us that Mara represents the negative energies and thoughts that tempted Buddha. Like Buddha, we are besieged by Mara and wish to banish her. Mara seems like a distraction from the ‘real’ work, but the concept of ‘welcoming Mara’ echoes my realization that ‘ego storms’ can be both the most painful and the most valuable part of practice.
